Or in other words, how my thirties have been the most transformative decade of my life…
A lot is happening right now: I am about to turn 40, I just took a leap of faith and became a freelancer again, and I just started taking my intermediate coaching course with Co-Active coaching. All of this got me reflecting on the past decade and how I essentially turned my life around. I’ve gone from burned out, anxious, depressed, lacking in self-confidence, to someone who is grounded, aligned with her values and living life to the fullest. It’s a beautiful way to close off this decade and enter the next one, honestly I cannot wait to see what it brings. So, let’s jump in and let me tell you more about what happened.
The burned out, anxious me (early 30s)
When I turned 30 I was stuck in a job that I hated. I was miserable, burned out, working like crazy, living life at 200 miles an hour… I had no chill. I was always exhausted and stressed out. I was also in a relationship I didn’t want to be in, but didn’t know how to get out of. Talk about ignoring all the signs! Looking back, I was definitely unhappy in those days, suffering from low self confidence, anxiety and depression. I also had a very fearful and lack based mindset, which impacted a lot of areas of my life.
How life looked when I turned 30:
- Burned out but pushing through. Ignoring the signs (i.e. chronic anxiety and stress), stuck in overdrive and the “just keep going” mentality.
- Relentless perfectionism. Part of the burnouts was because I was pushing myself so hard to do more, better, perfectly… I set myself ridiculously high standards which was exhausting.
- In denial, not in my body. Exhausted due to poor sleep, not eating well, and overdoing it. I had constant heartburn and indigestion problems which with hindsight, I believe were related to me ignoring many signs that I wasn’t in the right place or doing things that made me happy. Constantly tense and in pain.
- Stuck in the comfort zone, and afraid. I was super scared to end my relationship even though I knew it wasn’t right for me. The thought of trying to end it, or what might exist beyond the relationship terrified me, yet at the same time staying in it also felt wrong.
- This same comfort zone kept me in a job I hated. I was terrified of being unemployed again, of what might happen if I quit this job, of the unknown… I ended up staying 6 years in a place where I was mostly miserable.
- Complete lack of boundaries and self respect. I didn’t know how to set good boundaries in order to protect myself, which lead to me being completely exploited. At the same time, I didn’t yet believe I deserved to protect myself and my time, I was fighting for my self-worth.
- Stuck in a trauma loop, reliving and playing out old patterns, which lead to multiple burnouts and overall unhappiness.
- Living a non-stop life. I was working incredibly long hours and at a certain point doing a lot of business travel. When I wasn’t working I was either dancing, keeping up a social life, travelling a lot, in a relationship, and balancing the responsibilities of being an adult. There was practically no down time and I didn’t listen to my introverted side. In fact, I didn’t know it existed.
- Lack of self-confidence and self-worth. Not trusting in or believing myself, feeling completely beaten down by the burnouts and poor treatment from others. This in turn led to anxiety and depression.
How I am about to enter my 40s
- Happy, at peace, and super excited for what’s to come next
- In the midst of a career change
- Living aligned with my values and true to myself
- Following my passion – for example by continuing my coaching course and working on more projects in the creative field
- In tune with my body, living an embodied life (meaning, in touch with what it feels and what it needs)
- Honoring my need for rest, introversion, and no longer overstepping my own boundaries
- Working on healing my trauma
- No longer in fear or in a lack mindset. Taking healthy risks and allowing myself to trust the future
- Healthy in body and mind. Prioritizing my health by following a workout program, giving myself time to rest when I need it, meditating, working on myself in therapy, and eating well.
- Feeling immense joy and gratitude for this life, looking forward to what comes next
So what happened? How did I achieve this change?
I need to be honest: I had to hit rock bottom before I could start the change. My burnouts served me as key learning or “ah-ha” moments to this day. Without those struggles, I wouldn’t have started asking myself questions or decided to create change. There are also many things I came to understand and realize that I definitely wasn’t ready to hear when I was 30.
My point is that this journey isn’t a linear one, or one that you can force. Things will happen when the timing is right, which can be hard. And I won’t lie: sometimes I just want it to be over or to stay in denial, but the growth is always so rewarding once you come out the other side. Here’s what I did:
- I started coaching, by far one of the best things I’ve done for myself in this last decade. This began a journey of self-discovery and introspection that brought me many revelations.
- I started making changes in my life, setting better boundaries, and prioritized self-care.
- I opened up about my experiences with mental health, which allowed me to build a support network and feel less alone
- I educated myself in depth on the topic, something that’s still on going. I read many books, listened to podcasts, took courses, so I could understand what was happening to me (anxiety, depression), and the root causes (fight or flight mode etc.).
- I finally started trusting my instinct and my gut, and took some brave decisions such as ending the relationship and moving to another country.
- I stayed curious and open. I had many conversations with people about life and ways of looking at it, life’s purpose and how they were living in ways that weren’t so in line with the mainstream. This helped me open my mind and my heart to the possibilities, and trust that it might also be possible for me to live a different life.
- Did more coaching on different topics, diving deeper into parts of me I had ignored or difficult topics.
- Started to really listen to my body and the signs it was giving me, and honour that. This means I finally slowed down and stopped pushing myself so hard.
- I moved to another country, which opened up a whole new world of experiences for me. Moving to Amsterdam for example put me back in touch with my clubhead side which in turn brought me loads of joy. By finding new communities and a safe space, I also had some very healing experiences in dance that allowed me to build a better relationship with myself, one where I was more compassionate and less judgemental which in turn influenced the rest of my life.
- Starting a new job and meeting new people allowed me to realize I wasn’t always going to be in a toxic environment. It opened my eyes to different possibilities and gave me the opportunity to unlearn old behaviours.
- Eventually, I found a job that allowed me to heal from my traumatic experience.
All of these experiences have been life changing to say the least, and lead me to where I am today. I’d say that coaching has been the most beneficial thing for me, yet it has also been my curiosity and my desire for change and growth that has kept me going. It can be hard and scary to peel back the layers, but the change that comes from it is so fulfilling.
If you’re feeling stuck, lost, confused… don’t be afraid! You can also create the change in your life if you want to. You can do it! Don’t be afraid to start looking under the cover and see what you find, you can do this with the help of friends and/or professionals so you feel supported throughout the way. If you’ve been thinking about it but hesitating, then this is your sign: don’t put it off any longer! ❤️
Want to be coached by me?
I now offer my services as a coach and I am looking for people who want to be coached – for free. Yes, you read that right! For a limited time I will be working with people free of charge, so it’s a perfect opportunity to try it out. Just get in touch via the contact page and let’s figure something out.