How I burned myself out (again)

There’s a certain irony to being a mental health advocate, raising awareness about certain topics and yet somehow managing to burn yourself out. Yet here we are, it’s the start of 2026 and I feel on the fringes of burnout – I definitely ended 2025 burned out and I’m not out of the weeds yet. How did this happen, you might ask? Well, I ask myself the same question and I’ve realized that it seems to be the perfect concotion of my personality that means I have a tendency to push myself too hard. But first, let’s rewind.

My first 4 (?) burnouts

From 2012 to 2018 I worked in an agency and I burned out at least 4 times that I can remember. Those years were brutally hard, and I was also a completely different person. I was going from my twenties to my thirties, I was far less confident, self-aware and in touch with myself, and I was extremely anxious. I put myself under pressure and worked myself hard, though of course there were external factors at play as well. It was a really difficult time for me, looking back. I learned a lot in that job but I also allowed myself to be treated really poorly which damaged my self-confidence and was harmful overall.

Looking back, I realize this has a lot to do with my trauma and my childhood – which followed me into adulthood. There is something to be said about the “well I’ve survived worse so I can survive this” or “I’m used to worse, this is nothing” that means you stay in bad situations for way too long. The crazy thing is, a lot of this happens subconsciously and we’re not even aware of the patterns we are repeating that are so damaging to us.

Recovering from burnout

After those burnouts I moved to another country and did a lot of healing. My life changed and so did I, I became a different person. I was more confident, I had learned from the past, I was fortunate enough to work in a good company where I felt safe in my team and could heal from the traumatic toxic workplaces I had experienced. As time went on, I really believed I had overcome my tendencies for burnout. After all, I am a lot more self-confident now. I know who I am and what I want, I am much better at boundary setting. I know myself well and what pushes me to burnout (or so I thought), so I take care not to work or take on too much, and create time for rest. My life is nowhere near as busy as it used to be and whenever necessary I take the steps to remove myself from situations that are too negative and risk pushing me over the edge.

I have done all the things I preach to everyone else and yet, here I am and to be honest – I practically feel like a failure for falling off track. I thought I was over this? Genuinely I thought I was “cured” and it’s disappointing to realize there is no stamp that says “healed for life” when it comes to burnout. So in case you’ve experienced this too – don’t worry you’re not alone.

Why I’m burned out now

At the end of the day it’s a lifelong behavioural pattern, and something I will probably never fully be “rid” of. That’s why I believe it’s important for me to get a better understanding of it, and get help in the form of therapy.

2025 was a difficult year for me, it was the year I decided to return to entrepreneurship full time. I don’t regret it for a second and I learned many valuable things, not to mention I had time to invest in my creative projects like my podcast and my YouTube channel. I’m really glad I took time out of the corporate life to see what else existed and whether what I wanted to achieve was possible. But as anyone who’s tried this will know, being an entrepreneur comes with its own set of challenges and pressure, not least – to earn money. Before I knew it, 2025 was over and I hadn’t taken a single vacation all year – a sure recipe for burnout – including a few personal challenges along the way.

New outlook on entrepreneurship

One of the things I did differently this time round was set myself goals and a clear structure. I knew from my previous attempt at being self-employed that not really knowing what I was doing would create a lot of stress and mental breakdowns, and I also knew that structure and planning are a useful ability of mine if used in the right doses. So there it was: my plan for 2025 neatly divided by quarter and by category:

• Podcast
• That’s Mental
• Job hunting (serious jobs)
• Job hunting (part time jobs)
• Job/client hunting (self-employed work)
• Pitching/sales
• Getting my Dutch diploma
• Dance goals
• Coaching (I’m available if you’d like to be coached by me)

And more… Perhaps by looking at this list you can already tell that it was far too ambitious, but hey delusion is my best friend. I’ve worked harder, I’ve done way more than this. I’ve been through worse. I can do it! 💪🏽 Everything seemed to be fine until it wasn’t… At the end of the year I realized that I’d done it again: I put myself under too much pressure.

My unhealthy coping mechanism

As it turns out, my coping and survival mechanism is exactly the thing that burns me out. The structure and goals are great, they definitely help and yet… it creates pressure. It’s a very subtle thing, it’s not like as soon as I set a goal the pressure pops up and is like “hey – you need to smash this goal to pieces or else you’ll feel like a failure”.

It’s something more like this: I set myself a goal and then I must achieve it no matter what. The goal becomes extremely important and deviating from it is not an option. This means that I have to stick to the plan; that if I don’t reach the intermediary milestones I am upset, and until I reach the goal, I’m not satisfied. And it’s not just reaching but smashing the goal. And once the goal is reached? Well – there’s always the next one so there’s no time to rest.

That’s how the pressure starts to creep in, and suddenly I don’t have time to rest, to lie around, to have a mental breakdown. Why? Because all my goals are waiting for me. Even in dance which is my passion, I realized I had been putting myself under pressure. Of course the financial reality of earning an income creates enough pressure on its own – but all of the goals and the never ending to do list give me a sense of urgency and that feeling of “no time to rest”.

The interesting thing is that because I’ve been through burnouts before and other pretty precarious situations, my baseline ability to cope has improved. You would think that’s positive – and I guess it is – because my tolerance is much higher, I’m not panicking or losing sleep. But this new ability of mine made it harder for me to realize that I was pushing myself too much and burning out. The “I’ve been through and survived worse” also creeps up and somehow convinces you that you’re ok even when you’re not. It meant I wasn’t able to see the trap I was falling into of my old ways and how my relentless perfectionism was showing up.

What I’ve learned

This new burnout has helped me realize something: my coping mechanisms and what causes my burnouts goes WAY deeper than I had ever imagined. You can do all of the healing and growth and have awareness of your own behaviours and STILL be surprised. So if this has happened to you – you’re not the only one having a relapse! It just goes to show that we are not immune and that as we shift and grow, so can the challenges we face.

I’ve also realized that in order to get better I need professional help, I cannot do this alone. I’m probably always going to be at risk for burnout, and these patterns I’ve described go so deep that I need someone else to help me understand it, work through it and find healthier coping mechanisms.

Last but not least – I need to pay closer attention to the signs (for example full body tension, irritability), get better at planning real breaks, and create more down time for myself. I believe I can do it, awareness is always the first step. I just need to be more careful so that it doesn’t creep up on me again. What about you, have you ever experienced something like this?

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