Not long ago I was talking to a friend who also burned out and she said something to me along the lines of “I didn’t know if I could work anymore, if work was even for me… I was scared of burning out again”. Suddenly a light went off in my brain and I realized – “oh my God she has burnout PTSD, and so do I”.
It really got me reflecting on my own experience and how my burnouts have affected me ever since. Particularly after launching the burnout checklist, it’s a topic I want to continue exploring. After all, you can recover from burnout thankfully, but what happens after that?
My burnout journey
I have shared a lot here and on my YouTube channel about my burnouts, as well as my road to recovery. I have talked about my experience with burnout: what it felt like, what lead me to it, how traumatized I was by the experience… and how I learned to recover from it, set boundaries, and get to know myself better throughout the process. But I’ve not really talked much about what happened after that, and how the burnouts have been affecting me ever since.
Moving to Amsterdam
When I moved to the Netherlands I started a new job in a startup. I had a massive workplace culture shock and it was a huge learning curve for me to adapt and realize I was no longer in a cut throat work environment where it felt like everyone was out to get me. Even more shocking: there was a healthy work life balance, with company drinks every Friday. MIND – BLOWN!
I remember having a crisis moment and calling my coach because I could tell my old behaviours were so out of place. I was used to being aggressive and assertive, and having to fight my way into a conversation. It was super uncomfortable to realize that I had to unlearn a lot of behaviours and adapt to a different work environment.
Looking back now, this was my first symptom of burnout PTSD. The fact that I couldn’t relax and let go of old behaviours that no longer served me, was a clear sign of my trauma. I was stuck in my “fight” mode and reacting to circumstances from an old pattern, one where I was ready to fight tooth and nail at any moment. I felt really uncomfortable adapting to this new situation and didn’t know how to behave, I was stuck in all or nothing: either I had to be my old aggressive self, or I became very withdrawn and downplayed myself for fear of stepping on other people’s toes. I just didn’t know what was appropriate.
Working in a healthy environment
A few years later, I started a new job where I had a great boss, a good team and I was very happy with my role – all the pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit together perfectly. By that time my situation had stabilized and this job allowed me to bring out the best of my self: all the skills and knowledge I had gained over the years were put to use and it was my time to shine. I felt empowered, confident, and it was a great time.
Yet when speaking to my friend a few months ago I realized that I was still suffering from the burnout PTSD. How? Well, I became aware that I had a lot of fear around overworking or working too hard. I was also scared of having my boundaries overstepped and ending up working evenings or weekends even though nothing pointed to that. On the contrary, most people were extremely respectful of my boundaries and there were never any expectations of me to work over time.
I constantly found myself worrying, pushing back, and sometimes refusing new projects for fear of being overwhelmed. The thoughts going through my mind were “I don’t want to be overworked”, “what if I can’t handle it”, “what if it becomes too much”, “I don’t want to be working round the clock, or giving up my day off” (I worked 4 days a week). An onslaught of thoughts that were thoroughly unfounded as no one ever had such an expectation of me, and my boss was very understanding and protective of the team.
The fear of burning out again
That’s where my friend’s words resonated with me “I don’t want to burnout again” or “I’m scared of burning out again”, “I don’t know if I can do this”, “I don’t know if this is for me”. That is exactly how I felt, or a variation of what had been going on in the back of my mind! And now I realize that for those of us who have burned out, the fear is real. The fear of going back to that dark place is very much alive in our minds. We know what it feels like, we’ve experienced the bottom of the barrel, desperation and exhaustion. It’s completely normal that we don’t want to go back there ever again. This is why we’re suffering from PTSD and worrying “am I able to work”, “is this for me”, “can I do this” etc. because we know it’s a slippery slope and it can go quickly.
As I write this I can honestly say that I am still worried about stressing myself out and overworking myself, even more so now I am self-employed. I can sense when I get stressed that I start to get into over-organized, over-controlling mode, and that I want to quit everything I have planned and just work like crazy to get everything done. I also start to worry and overthink more about everything I have to do, all the bills I have to pay, and whether or not I will survive. My answer to the stress is to just work more and harder, but I (and so do you) already know that’s not the solution. The worst part is that when this “work work work” mode comes on, it also comes with the fear of burnout and doing too much. As I watch myself get more stressed, I know that this usually doesn’t end well.
How to overcome burnout PTSD?
I want to believe it’s possible to recover from this PTSD, and start to have a healthy trusting relationship with work again. The first step is awareness! As soon as you realize this might be you or it sounds familiar, it’s a big step towards realizing what you’re going through and naming it. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is more connected to your fear and not necessarily representative of your current reality. What do I mean by that? For example, in my past job there was actually no indication I was going to be overworked, of people having unrealistic expectations of me, expecting me to work round the clock or exhibiting unhealthy behaviours themselves. This should have been a key indicator for me to realize: ok, I am experiencing fear due to my previous burnout not my current situation.
Remember to set boundaries, and take care of your mental health. Watch for signs that you might be heading in the wrong direction and catch them early. For example: make sure you are clear with your availability, and how much work you can take on. Be vocal if you cannot do more and ask for help if you feel overwhelmed. Everyone is different so knowing your own limits as well as what works for you is key, for more tips you can check out my burnout checklist. 😉 Most importantly: take it one day and one step at a time.
Trust yourself and remind yourself: you can do this! By now you are back in the workforce so you are making progress. You are not the same person you were before when you burned out. Even though burnout is difficult to go through, it probably taught you some valuable lessons about yourself, and what you and don’t tolerate in the workplace. By now you’ve got to know yourself better, and you’ve learned new tools to help you cope, and manage your mental health. Remind yourself that you are not the same person and that this new version of you can do it.
Listen to yourself and trust your intuition. You will know if you are reaching your limit and need to slow down, much better than you did before. It’s important to take time to stop and listen, and take informed action – for example – taking a break. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot and it’s normal to still be holding on to some fear.
Don’t be afraid to challenge yourself and take on new things. I realize now I should have taken on more projects because I was able to do it, and trust that I would have been able to handle it. It’s ok, now I’m aware of it I will be less hesitant to push myself because I have a new level of awareness. Don’t underestimate yourself, you are more than capable!
How are you coping with your burnout PSTD and what lessons have you learned? I’m curious to hear from you.
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